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This is 54

Yesterday I turned 54. When I look back at my parents at my age I thought they were so old! Now my mom has been gone for 7 years and my dad just turned 88! Looking at life through their experiences , I wonder, will I live to be 80 like my mom? That’s another 26 years! Or 88 like dad? That’s another 34 years. This exercise isn’t for the weak! A few years ago I started taking inventory every year on my birthday, where have I been? Where do I want to go? What do I want my remaining years to look like?

Many of us has been through a restructuring at some point, a career change, a divorce, the death of a loved one or all of the above. Inventory of your life involves accomplishments, failures, finances and experiences. For me it’s the next and final chapter of life I’m looking at. In this next year, if all goes well, I will return to my ancestral home, hopefully to live out the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not planning on going anywhere for a long time. I also have no plans to “slow down” “retire” or “act my age”! I am looking at the future and the next year in particular as a rebirth, a period of exploration and growth, a second chance to do it all the right way.

I was married for almost 25 years and I hid the bulk of who I was,of what my dreams were, a little more with each passing year until I no longer knew who I was or what I actually wanted out of my life, or even if I had the right to “my life”. You fall into a routine, a survival pattern, you try to keep the peace. Then life hits hard and you’ve already been struggling for so long that break never comes and life is overwhelming. I know that feeling all too well.

These past 5-6 years have taught me more than the first 48 yrs combined. I learned what makes me truly happy, what I actually need to be complete, the ways I sabotage my own well being and how to move forward and go after what’s real. I learned who to trust. I learned when to fight and when to let go. And now at 54, I stand a little stronger and wiser and more prepared for what’s ahead.

Follow my journey back home over the next few months. I’m starting phase one today. Getting things in order, to reclaim the life I was meant to live. I’ll be contacting banks, organizing finances, dealing with old debt, and working my ass off to get where I need to be. I’m also entering another phase along side this one one where I begin the process of saying goodbye to my father who is slowly fading away from dementia. Saying goodbye to the pain and trauma from my divorce and finally righting the wrongs inflicted upon me in the fall 2020, the year I turned 48, the year the rug was pulled and the truth of my marriage was unmasked.

Follow my journey to learn

more! Thanks for listening 💋

50 is The Launchpad For Your Dreams!

Life doesn’t always follow the path we think it’s going to follow. The year I turned 50 I was living in an apartment. My divorce was being finalized. I was in my second year, running a successful only fans account. I finally bought the Volvo I had always wanted, all by myself. I had given up a career to raise my daughters. I had trusted my ex-husband to honor our agreements to provide for the family while I homeschooled, so here I was at 50 starting over again with nothing. When the separation first occurred, I got a full-time job, but having been out of the workforce for so many years, my entry-level position was barely enough to cover my basics. I did not receive alimony or help covering my lawyer costs. To be fair, I didn’t ask for any of those things either. I just wanted to be free of the pain of a toxic marriage, so in January 2021 at the age of 48 I also started an only fans account. In my fifth year on that platform, I was able to quit my full-time job and go full-time running my own digital empire online.

So here I am turning 54 next month and running my own business. So much has changed in the last decade. I don’t even know where to begin so I’m just gonna talk about the things that I did to get me to where I am today. Here are my five key takeaways:

First of all, I had to let go of other people‘s opinions, It seemed like everyone had something to say about my marriage the divorce, my ex-husband, but none of those people we’re going to help me start over. After almost 3 decades of hiding the truth, I began to open up to those closest to me. I let them know that what they saw on the outside was not the reality behind closed doors. I knew that starting an only fans if successful would be the best way for me to quickly make the money that I needed so within 30 days of signing up for the account, I had earned $1974.62. My first month. At this time, I was also working my full-time job. With my new earnings, I was able to pay my bills. I had to let go of what might happen if the people in my life discovered what I was doing to make ends meet. There’s a whole other future blog post about who found out and how. I couldn’t worry about any of that I needed to get back on track. I needed to be independent financially.

Next I had to make some difficult choices, I chose to put my daughters first and let them remain in the house with my ex-husband, while I took an apartment and they were able to process what was happening. They were the priority as much as I loved my family home, which had been in my family for over 150 years, I chose to step away for five years rather than to sell the home and split all the assets. I will be returning to the home in 2027. I had to prioritize the people I cared the most about. From the outside, it looked like I no longer cared about my family and wanted to start my life over and have fun. Anyone who really knew me knew that this was the furthest thing from the truth but again you can’t care what people think.

Then I had to be forgiving on some level for what had happened to me. I had to take ownership that I had stayed in a very unpleasant situation for far too long. I had to accept the fact that walking away was not necessarily the failure. The failure was trying to make it work years after I realized there was no hope which led to an escalation in violence and mental health issues that took years to heal.

I had to take a long hard look at my life at what was working and what wasn’t. I gave up alcohol, almost 3 years ago, I continued to treat my ADHD with medication, but I was able to get off of the seven other prescriptions I was on at the time of our separation. All of the conditions I had been diagnosed with during my marriage with the exception of ADHD had been reversed. My therapist later told me that he felt like our marriage was oil and water and that he suspected I’d be fine once away from my ex-husband!

Finally I began to dream and take chances, to see this as the second half of my life. to set new goals invest in my health, and eventually to see this as a blessing as a fresh start as a second chance as a launchpad to build my dreams for the rest of my life. My divorce at the time was the most painful and embarrassing failure. I wasn’t sure I would ever recover or go on to live a normal life let alone a life filled with happiness, joy, and adventures. I would encourage anyone today, to take careful inventory of their lives where they want to be in five years 10 years and beyond. You don’t have to wait until 50 to launch your dream life! You can start today it’s never too late!

Thank you for listening 💋



Structure

I tend to function well in a clear system or structure. At my last job my brain always enjoyed the cash office part of my work day. It was predictable enough, structured and yet with occasional problem solving. The other parts of my work day were less clear, they varied with the needs of my employer. I found that I looked forward to that first part of my morning it was like a reset we were starting with a clean slate.

Fast forward to today my schedule is whatever I make it, the factor driving it is of course money, if I don’t work at all I’ll stop getting new subscribers, lose current ones and in reality most will forget I was ever here, that may sound dramatic but that’s the reality of social media. I have begun asking AI questions about my day my structure and the follow up questions are eye opening! I don’t use AI to create, I don’t use it to write my bio or posts or to alter my content. However as a solo entrepreneur I don’t have many other people to bounce ideas off of, to ask advice or solve the various issues that come up in my day.

Finding a new structure or schedule has taught me two things, the first is that I enjoy a plan and one that is a bit flexible but reliable is best for my brain. If I’m supposed to film a video on Monday at 9 am but I get an important family call, I can easily film the video at 10am and stay on track. Seeing my week planned out even loosely will ensure that I stay grounded and productive.

The second thing I noticed is that I have time to do more focused work for shorter bursts of time and still fit in workouts, hobbies, time with partner and my family. I have a lot of time to dedicate to my business I just waste chunks of time if I have 50 messages to answer and I block out an hour to do that and stay focused I can’t finish in half that time. If however I say you’ve got to stop screwing around and answer messages I might answer 5 then paint my nails answer 3 more and make coffee and so on.

If you are interested in being part of my day, let’s chat privately here.

Why I Left My Office Job at 53 Yrs Old to Start Over….

This past January I left my job of 13 years to become a full time content creator. I was 53 and divorced, but in a new relationship. My children were grown, one in college, one a college grad in the workforce. I’d been working online for 5 years in addition to my full time job, but like almost every else my age I was torn between family responsibilities and my work schedule.

My father had received a dementia diagnosis my mother had died several years earlier. I needed a flexible schedule to handle what life was now handing me. I was suffering from migraines and as my stress level was rising and my body was responding, I knew it was time to make some changes. Here’s what I did and how that’s going:

I gave a one month notice at work I wanted to leave on good terms, I stayed through their busiest season. With a plan to leave in January I’d be making a fresh start as the new year began. As one job was winding down I was putting more effort toward my online business to ensure the income would at least match the two jobs combined. I was also temporarily going without insurance and other benefits so I had to consider everything.

I had my annual physical and had all the tests someone my advanced age requires, colguard, mammogram etc. With a clean bill of health I was heading into to my uninsured future. It was a turbulent time mentally, was I making a mistake? Could this decision be easily reversed if necessary? What was I going to tell everyone I was doing for work?

Now what? How is it going almost 8 months later? I will say I have not looked back, not even once, I have been present in my families lives when needed. Spent precious time with loved ones, I would have found previously myself too busy for in the past. I am earning a good living doing what I enjoy. I am taking my health and happiness seriously, I am more grounded and relaxed. I’m also happy to report the migraines have disappeared.

This job isn’t for everyone and I realize every situation is different. However if you, like me are in your 50s or beyond, look at the next 10, 20 or 30 yrs, what lies ahead? Where do you see yourself and is it what you want? Look at your options and learn the lessons of those around us, those who have gone before us, did they live life on their terms, were they able to enjoy their retirement with health and physical ability to do the things they had always wanted? What stands in your way? What prevents you from finishing your journey with peace, happiness and a fulfilled life? Surrounded by the people and things you enjoy most.

If you want to learn more about how things are going, I invite you to explore my private community. A little corner of the internet to discuss what we are experiencing : Here❤️

What I Have Learned During My First 5 Months of Self Employment

This month, May 2026, is my fifth month of being self-employed. For the past five years, I have worked a full-time job in addition to being self-employed. So technically, my work load is still about the same, but the payoff Is priceless! When making the decision to work from home full-time, I had to consider a few things.

Sobriety, I’m getting close to three years of sobriety, but with no set start time to my day Would I be able to maintain A sober lifestyle when no one was watching I had a lot of support at my day job to keep me accountable, It turns out that while that little voice occasionally reminds me how much I enjoyed alcohol, I hated almost everything about alcohol and it’s impact on my body, my mind and my life. I love who I am sober. I feel happy. I feel healthy and I feel whole.

The big one that everyone wanted to discuss was the financial piece of giving up a full-time job with benefits and vacation time to become self-employed and have a wildly fluctuating income. First of all the full-time job with the company that I had been employed by for 13 years didn’t pay that well in fact my first month on only fans back in 2021, I made slightly less than a month at my full-time job. Online incomes do fluctuate and I’m not making any recommendations for anyone, I can only go on my experience however, by the time I left my full-time job, I was earning at least double the annual salary of that job online.

Health insurance, I was able to purchase comparable dental and vision insurance privately. In all honesty, I don’t have health insurance currently because the cost of the marketplace was quite high for the coverage you receive. Our local hospitals and walk-in clinics currently offer a 50 to 65% Discount and payment plans to those who self-pay. Before leaving my full-time job and insurance, I had my physical, my cologuard test, pelvic exam and a mammogram. Again, I make no recommendations for anyone else. Anything can happen at any time such as cancer or a car accident, you name it, but this is the decision I have made for now, for me personally.


Coworkers, this was the biggest surprise of them all I had about 65 coworkers at the company I worked for. I worked in HR so I interacted with a lot of people on a regular basis. I also worked the retail end of the business, customer service, etc. I was surrounded by people all day long. Would I be able to go from that to being the only one home all day with no one but a little parakeet to keep me company? At first it just felt like a week off I went places I listened to music, I made great food. I had fun and I worked on my online job, but I found that that didn’t take as much time as I thought it was going to. I began wondering if I’d acted too quickly if I should’ve just kept both jobs? After five months, I can confidently say that I have more than enough work to do online to fill my days, but I also have the flexibility to spend more time with my daughters, with my father and to talk to my sister on the phone.

The final thing I considered was, what would people say? How could I explain what I do do I have to explain what I do? Everyone at my old job knew that I worked online but what about people? I’m not going forward? As it turns out, no one really cares there’s a lot going on in the world and I am very rarely asked what I do for work. A lot of the people I interact with are online And understand how many people make their living as a brand ambassador, selling products online, Influencers, and content creators. It’s a unique time in history, very few people work a Monday through Friday 9 to 5 job anymore.

The unexpected benefit that I never considered in my decision-making process was that by working from home and setting my own schedule would give me a life that I’ve always wanted. A life with far less anxiety and stress than I could’ve ever imagined. I was prepared to have some financial issues. I was prepared to be frustrated by how things were going business wise, but I’m happy to report that at least five months in business is going really well and I am experiencing so much less drama and anxiety than I have ever had at any point in my life, that I can remember. So I’ve been thinking a lot about why that is, this feels like a big step,a scary move, a financial risk and yet I feel like I’m where I belong and I have more peace.

I’ve come to two conclusions: One I left a job that wasn’t really paying that much to begin with and it wouldn’t be that difficult to replace it if this current business falls apart. And two, I was experiencing more stress than I realized about things that had nothing to do with my real life or my future. I was immersed daily in petty drama that seemed so important at the time and when I got away from it, I realized none of it mattered and it’s all still happening right now, every day I’m just not around it anymore and that brings me so much joy!

Thank you for listening 💋

Patsy

AI, Virtual, Online and Human Interaction

I tried to book and appointment with my eye doctor, I’d been putting off making appointments getting lazy, I need to schedule a dental cleaning as well. I desperately needed more contacts and the appointments were booking out to August or later. Turns out the website I get contacts from can do an eye exam $20 using my phone camera! Within and hour and without leaving the house my rx was renewed for two more years and my new supply of contacts were shipping to my front door in a few days they would arrive (I went with free shipping or they would be here even sooner)

During the pandemic we were introduced to contactless…everything, so we no longer had to sign for anything or leave our homes. Everything is digital we don’t develop film, we don’t cash checks or even receive physical checks most of the time. We get books, music, movies, pictures and money delivered wireless to us wherever we are. This is an introverts dream, or in my case an adhd dream, I don’t have to remember to fill my rx only when someone is there to answer the phone I can do it on my chart from my phone when I think of it at 3 am! While all this is progress, time saving and efficient, is it healthy?

Around Christmas 2025 I started a new X account called devoted mommy 72 a play on my devoted friend 72. I was thinking it may appeal to those who like the whole stepmom thing. What I found was that yes I was getting a lot of subscribers on my only fans for those who are interested in the stepmom vibe but the bigger take away was people wanted connection. If you’re on social media these days, you see a lot of fake posts you see entire accounts that are AI generated without a real human being part of it at all. I read an article today about a student who put himself through college by creating a blonde conservative woman who appeal to wealthy conservative men. The account was incredibly successful and had social media and even an only fans, but the woman never existed. It was a teenage guy. Stories like this give us pause, we all want to believe the person we’re talking to is a real person. We want them to be the person we think we are talking to, but beyond that we now have to verify if they’re even a person at all or if some program is answering us and interacting with us!

So what I accidentally discovered was the people are longing for connection. They’re longing for authentic real human beings to interact with. The common phrase for this style of interaction is called “Hope core”. Post pandemic. The original host of Blue’s Clues Steve Burns created an account where he checked in with all of us to see if we were doing OK because there was a lot going on. His account went viral people were longing for that authentic encouragement coming from someone they could trust Steve from Blue’s Clues,adults now ,that didn’t stop us from being comforted by Steve. He’s real. He’s someone we can trust.

When I decided in January to work from home full-time, I started looking at all of the accounts. I started looking at all the trends and the viral videos I looked at the people who are using AI agencies, chat, bots, etc., for their online accounts. What I quickly discovered was that I was already doing what people wanted. I was already giving them the authentic connection. I just needed to do more of it. So I started making a lot of YouTube videos, letting people know that their messages would always be answered by me that I would never hire an agency. It would never be a chat bot or a paid chat or talking to them and I would never share what they told me with other people. In short, they can trust me. I’m here I’m real and I’m not going anywhere.
Thank you for listening.💋

Patsy

Progress, Not Perfection

It took me a while to understand that perfectionism could exist in an

environment where things were very messy and chaotic. Let me explain, I always assumed a perfectionist would have a clean house, finances in order, clean desk or car etc. So when I started following a self help blogger known as the Flylady many years ago, and she mentioned not letting perfection get in the way I thought but this is for people who are struggling we aren’t even close to perfect! We’re a mess and we are looking for help! Then a reader gave an example one that resonated with me she had an antique piece of furniture in her home she had splashed, I believe it was gravy, down the front of it, knowing that it was an antique and an heirloom she wanted to clean it the perfect way and not damage the finish. So she decided she would research the best way to clean that wood. In time, her desire to clean it the perfect way left the stain on the furniture for quite some time until one day, she took a cloth with warm water and wipe the stain away.

Something about that simple antidote hit me so hard when I realized I’m waiting for the perfect way to do things and therefore I’m not doing them!

From that point on, I realized a lot of what was holding me back in life was the desire to find the perfect solution to the problems I faced whether big or small. I know I’ve heard the story before, but it really was one of the most pivotal moments in my life when I was going through my divorce and he was beginning to take legal action against me and I had not hired a lawyer yet I had no idea what I was going to do and I was listening to divorce podcasts and talking to everyone I knew and trying to figure out what my next step was going to be when my friend said just do something or you’re going to lose everything. You don’t have to know everything right now. Just do the next thing. She’ll never know what those words meant to me and how they have carried over into the rest of my life and in a way there’s somewhat responsible for where I am now and anywhere that I’ll be going forward. So applying for the full-time job, starting an only fans, hiring a lawyer, starting a GoFundMe for the down payment of the lawyer, getting a separate post office box, starting a bank account of my own and all those steps I took to get me where I am now or because of that one phrase.

I think about that a lot, am I waiting for the perfect way the perfect plan, the perfect situation before I can act? This past January I took action. I stepped out. I gave my notice at my job and I decided to work online from home full-time! I’ve learned so much in these past four months about myself and others but mostly about how I do things or don’t do things. I’ve developed a system for my business that has worked wonders for me. I’m finding a little life hacks to work around who I am and with my strengths and my weaknesses but I’m also learning to just do it, to just go for it and just do the next thing, because it’s progress not perfection that gets things done!
Thank you for listening,

Patsy 💋

Healing and Harm

We all like the idea of healing, healing is synonymous with wellness, we want to live the best life we can live. We wanna feel our best,and look our best. We want the energy to do the things that bring us joy, we want to be able to do the things that earn us income and provide for our families. There are different ways that we can heal we can heal, physically from an illness or we can heal our bodies from strenuous activity by resting, we can heal ourselves with calmness or meditation, and we can heal ourselves from past emotional trauma and experiences through therapy. However another part that I never really considered. Not really, not deeply and that’s prevention.

Healing from a long-term illness ,healing from the loss of a loved one, healing from the end of a marriage or saying goodbye to a chapter of our lives whether good or bad. The opposite of healing is harmful or causing harm. The Hippocratic oath states and I’m paraphrasing here, but basically that the physician will do no harm. But what if we were to take a Hippocratic oath about the care of ourselves would we drink, would we smoke? Would we stay up late? Would we eat at Taco Bell? Would we stay in a relationship that wasn’t good for us? Would we continue to work a job that caused us incredible amounts of stress? Would we go into debt? Would we drive recklessly?

i’ve been thinking a lot lately about the harm that we do to ourselves. I’ve been reading about certain conditions, such as arthritis, and how yes some of it is genetic, but some of it can be caused by the things that we put into our body or the way that we move our bodies or don’t move our bodies or the amount of weight that we carry or don’t carry. The kinds of food that we eat, the things that we drink, the drugs that we take,the places we go, the environment of our homes. The stress that we were under all of these things play a role in our health as to our genetics so what about prevention? What if we had to swear a hippocratic oath for the care of ourselves, what would we change?

I don’t have all the answers. I don’t really have any answers what I have is a thought, an idea a perspective, to look at the flipside of our lives our responsibility for us. It’s not just health it’s finances, relationships, religion, politics, society, the environment and all the areas of our life, and what we do about it, how we choose to spend our time, where we go, what we do, who we do it with, and what we put into our bodies all play a role in our overall care of ourselves and if we were under that oath could we honestly say that we do no harm?

Just a thought,thanks for listening!
Patsy

Time Flies: Weekend Musings

Too late? The picture above was taken a decade ago! Time is moving quickly, the more I follow the Gen X side of social media the more I see posts screaming that if you’re 50 you have 26 yrs left! 26 years I’ve been a mom for 25 yrs and that flew by! I’ve been self employed for 4 months now, seems like just yesterday I was announcing that decision, but it was actually about 6 months ago! I’ve been divorced for 4 yrs next month! Okay you didn’t need a blog post to see that I’m old but let’s look at the other side of time!

Let’s look at some recent new beginnings and how old I was!

48 years old: Started my Only Fans account in the first 3 months I made it into the top 1.3% (currently sitting at top 2% but I will take that for now)

50 years old Divorce was finalized after 25 yrs of marriage my divorce 4 years in the making finally complete)

53 years old Quit my job of 13 years to go full time online as a content creator and a host of other side jobs, but I’m making my own schedule and can help care for my elderly father.

54 and beyond? Who knows but I have learned that it’s never too late to make changes, big changes and get the life you have always dreamed of second chances are real , as long as you are on this earth, you can define what’s too late and what isn’t.

Looking back decisions I made at 23 yrs old when I thought it was too late to go to college or start a new career, those decisions are THREE DECADES old now! What can I start today that I can look back on and be glad I made those decisions? Where do I want to be next week? Next month? Next year? I can’t wait to see where I go next!
Thank you for listening 💋

Patsy

What is Beautiful?

Maybe, I’m just an old soul. Maybe, I want the best of both worlds. I like having an only fans and I love the convenience of the Internet and all the apps on my phone but part of me likes doing things the old-fashioned way. When I think back to how things used to be, it was rare to hear about surgery, lip fillers, fake boobs, it was easy to find someone without a tattoo, but now it seems that everyone, regardless of income is finding the money to alter their appearance it seems like we have less variety and more of a standard of what is beautiful.

When I was younger, I had a children’s book called, What is Beautiful? By Robert Sargent, it was a 1970’s or 60’s storybook the plot of the book, was a turtle and a rabbit discussing what it beautiful, but they can’t agree and it finally ends with the conclusion that beauty is in the eye of the beholder! This was a fairly deep thought for my young mind, but I thought about it a lot over the years. Like many of those books from childhood they never left me completely. They formed who I was, even my online screen name is from a children’s book the devoted friend by Oscar Wilde. So, what is beautiful? Is it in the eye of the beholder?

We live in an age full of possibility the Internet has opened up a global marketplace. We can have clothing and beauty products from all over the world yet it seems like a few websites a few influencers determine what is beautiful to us. They’ve always been influences in our lives whether it was TV, movies, or magazines something has always helped to shape our idea of beauty. I’m now in my 50s. I don’t have anything to prove anymore. I don’t have to be popular. I feel like I finally reached an age where I can settle into who I am and what I enjoy and yes, some of that is nostalgia for the beauty trends that influenced me in the past. If you follow me on any of the social media platforms, you may have noticed that I have a love of thrift stores, antique shops, books, and yes, vinyl records.

And if you follow my spicier sites, you won’t find any tattoos, piercings apart from ears, no fake breasts, you’ll find a natural body of a 53 yr old woman with nostalgic memories of vintage playboy pinups. What is beautiful? Maybe we can just agree to disagree, except that it is indeed in the eye of the beholder.

Thank you for listening,

Patsy